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War is Poke, or, Every Weapon Is Just a Spear in D Minor (?) No, that’s stupid Delete this later before submitting it, okay? Ever since the very first time a human person looked at another human person’s stuff and said to themselves “To be forthcoming, I would quite like that for myself,” our species has been determined to find creative ways to avoid asking politely, and it seems we keep coming to the same conclusion; Poke holes in them. The very first person to figure out that taking a long stick, sharpening the end of it and poking someone is the best way to get free shit was likely hailed as a God for a short period of time, before someone poked a sizeable hole in them and took their shit. For free. Of course, we are now far too advanced in principle for such rudimentary and barbaric weapons of destruction, and we aren’t merely interested in taking each other’s literal stuff. We want your figurative stuff now, and we use guns and bombs and planes. We use guns to bring DEMOCRACY. We want your oil you to be FREE. Ya know, like civilized folks. I’m not so convinced that anything has changed. I’m not going to bore you by waxing rhapsodic about the inevitability of destructive behavior in an apex predator who does not contain a psychological mechanism for “It occurs to me that I probably have enough shit right now.” I’m going to assume that you, dear reader, are as thoroughly cynical as myself, and are thus convinced that we’re pretty much screwed, praying for the aliens to come save us from ourselves, or for our inevitable AI overlords to be benevolent enough to put us in Eternal Timeout but possess a concept of mercy just potent enough for them to continue to feed us and let us run around in our little Earth-sized cage as it zips through space. My point here, is that war continues, and, per the title of the article, War is Poke. That’s it. In the following Ted Talk overly-dated “Listicle,” I will list 5 examples of modern weapons of war that I, before this article is through, will have thoroughly convinced you is just a spear on steroids. The Rifle This is easy mode. This thing is so obviously a spear that it’s almost laughable. What, you think I’m talking about bayonets? Do you think this amateur hour? Yes, of course sticking a knife on the end of what is essentially a metal rod with a tacticool grip is obviously a spear. That’s not what I’m talking about. Let me work you through what a spear actually is, like a plebeian, since you don’t seem to get it. Not the physical object, but what a spear means: A sharp rock is a good pokey tool, right? You pick up the rock, you sharpen it, you poke Ugg with it and steal his fur coat so you can look bougie on your next hunt. Make sense?
The problem is if Ugg has a sharp rock too, you now must overpower Ugg in order to poke him with a sharp rock. You’ve gotta get close enough, and Ugg might not have skipped arm day last week because he got a fever from scraping his knee like you did. He might be faster than you. So you jam that sharp rock on the end of a long stick. Now, Ugg cannot poke you with his sharp rock, because he must get much closer to you to poke you than you do to him. Are you getting it yet? 
A rifle is the outsourcing of Poke Potential from Long Stick to Kinetic Energy. Your spear’s shaft is mighty yet humble gunpowder, and your spear is now 500 meters long, yet you do not face the negative consequences of having to carry that much stick around. It would be a lot of stick. A Rifle is a Spear. You know it, I know it, and those very particular nerds among us who insist that “guns lack honor, I prefer the blade” know it. Swordsmen hated spearmen too. It’s the same thing. The Pistol Okay, so maybe I was a bit quick on the draw with the sword jokes. So, the thing is, a sword is just a short, metal spear that also cuts. That’s, uhhh, pretty much it. Or, alternatively, a Longer Pointy Rock. The thing most folks don’t seem to understand is that, for most of human history, swords were a sidearm. Only officers were issued swords, and they would only use them as backup when their primary weapon failed them. What was that primary weapon, you ask? 
It was a motherfuckin’ spear. Much to the chagrin of many a 30-something male with a questionably-sized collection of replica katanas, the pistol is the modern interpolation of the sword. No, seriously. In modern militaries, it is a short-range sidearm issued primarily to officers as an “Oh Shit” reaction for when your rifle jams. Also, much like the sword, it’s way harder to be good with it compared to the rifle/spear. Aiming a rifle is pretty much about learning to hold the damn thing, sighting it correctly and then pointing and shooting. Obviously there’s more it it, but that’s the general gist. A pistol, on the other hand, requires constant training to be remotely competent with. I won’t go into the details of it, look it up on your own time, but just trust me. Pistols are hard. 
And pistols are also just a short-range, harder to use rifle, just as the sword is a short-range, harder to use spear. And a sword is a short slashy spear. So pistols are spears. QED. The Grenade Look, I see your raised eyebrow. I get it. You’re like “A grenade? How is a grenade anything like a spear? Are you on drugs? Can I have some? Anything to escape this postmodern hellscape that lives outside my walls.” Well, dear traveller, let me first remind you what a grenade is. After the article, I will offer some alternatives to chemical oblivion to escape your problems. Contrary to what video games and movies might have you believe, a grenade is not a little metal ball that goes boom. I mean, it is that, but that’s not really the point of it; The “boom” created by grenades isn’t that big, and it’s also not the point of it, it’s what comes after the boom. Grenades are filled with little metal spikes, all faced outward and sometimes encased in a thin sheet of metal. When the little charge inside of them goes “boom,” it fires those spikes in every direction. I see the gears turning. I can see you putting the pieces together. And I can hear the slow groan of “God dammit” creaking through your mind to flutter out of your flappy face-hole. Yes, dear reader. I have hacked your webcam. Joking. But you have correctly grasped my point here; Grenades are delivery devices for multidirectional FUCKING SPEARS. Bombs/Missiles. This is the tough one. This is where I’ve gotta get all philosophical on ya. This is where we must together explore the true meaning of “poked a hole.” We’re going to discuss the metaphysics of fatal hole-poking and the definition of what the word “hole” even means. Does a straw have one hole or two? Black holes have no top and bottom and face every direction; are they still holes? Holes are a weird concept when you remove them from a perceived 2D plane. An explosion is defined by the One True Dictionary founded in 1831 by Sirs George and Charles Merriam and Sir Noah Webster, as “the act or an instance of exploding,” which is annoying because it partially contains the word in its own definition. “Explode” is defined “To burst forth with sudden violence or noise from internal energy, such as a. To undergo a rapid chemical or nuclear reaction with the production of noise, heat and violent expansion of gases, or b. to burst violently as a result of pressure from within.” The definition gag is outstaying its welcome. We all know what an explosion is. And when an explosion happens close to a person, what happens to them? Pieces of them come off. What can the part of them that is now missing bits be described as? A hole. Explosions are multidirectional rapid pokes. Missiles and bombs are Poke Delivery Devices. Much like what? A spear. Missiles are long-distance vehicles for multidirectional Loud As Fuck Spears. Search your feelings. You know it to be true-ish. The Universe Look, by this point you’re already in too deep. There’s no escape. No outside logic or reason matters. When you look upon your front door, you will see it is made of wood. Wood is made of splinters, which are tiny spears. Your front door is made of spears. The trees, your pen, the rods and cones in your very eyes. Everything is spears. Thermonuclear warheads use the splitting of atoms to create nuclear fission, generating a chain reaction that expands outward with pure energy that disintegrates the atomic bonds of everything that it comes in contact with, reforming those bonds to leave dense, radioactive chemicals behind. The sun that shines in the sky is a similar reaction occurring on a massive scale, with heat rising to such a degree that the nuclei of the molecules that form it fuse together into larger atoms and molecules that then burst forth with unfathomable amounts of energy. Energy that stabs down in the form of light and heat. It permeates through the galaxy, chipping away at unprotected surfaces and punching through atmospheres. Like little S P E A R S. The basic components that make up everything in this entire world are arranged in multiple dimensions, but the basis of String Theory, the foremost blueprint that physicists believe our universe is made up of, posits that location is a misinterpretation of our senses and that all of space-time is laid out in one-dimensional objects called strings. Know what else is a string? When we die, those base components that make up our existence will break down, battered by forces of our own atmosphere that slowly tear apart our flesh and sinew and bone. Insects and microorganisms will devour us. Devour by taking us apart. Take us apart by poking little holes in us with their teeth. And WHAT
 As an alternative to drugs, I highly recommend! I was able to use it to find a cheap, affordable therapist, who advised me to find positive outlets for my inner self-destructive and obsessive thoughts, and so I wrote this article about how everything everywhere at all times is the eternal gnashing, clashing of spears, descending from every direction to take our souls and impale them before the cruel palace that whatever heartless God created this nightmare existence surely dwells within, cackling on his throne. Cackling, and doubtless holding a spear.

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